Day 2: Restart

It's been many months since I have wrote, mainly because I fell off the wagon BIG TIME.  I am getting up dusting myself off and trying really hard to keep myself in this.  It is taking all of me to work past my cravings...although it has only been two days.  I went over my daily limit by about 5 or 6 points each of these days.  I can't help it though.  I ALWAYS feel hungry right now.  I question whether I am truly hungry or its just my mind playing tricks on me.  : /  All I know is I'm keeping at this...I'm tired of being so unhappy with myself.

Starting Over..AGAIN

I want to make an excuse for giving up...but honestly I just gave up on myself.  I felt like I couldn't do it and I still am unsure while writing this.  I'm thinking about how I will probably fail tomorrow.  I won't track myself and I will go back into my same old bad habits.  I see my sister everyday, struggling with her diabetes, shouldn't that be enough to get me off my butt and in gear and make this change.  I was so dedicated before, what happened?  I know I need the Lord for this, I cannot do this without him.  I need to expect more of myself.  I told my husband that I was afraid I would fall back into old habits when I started college and I was right.  Although I am not sure that is the only culprit, I'm sure it was part of the stress that caused me to give up.  On a daily basis, I am overwhelmed with my three children.  I find myself very stressed when they are not listening and are fighting and bickering and when that stress comes knocking at the door I eat and at the end of some really bad days I REALLY eat.  This is the problem...how in the world do I cope with the stress of being a mother, wife and student without food.  I don't know how.  I have ALWAYS turned to food to get through bad times, its just how I cope.   I guess that explains why I am 240 lbs or so right now (I will weight in tomorrow morning to see for sure.)  I'm just down right disgusted with myself right now.  I say I am going to change as of now, but the hard part starts when I wake up tomorrow...will I make the changes I need to.  Will I sustain the promise I am making to myself?  I need this so bad.  I just pray for the motivation to start this, to stick with it and to make it work!   I was supposed to go back to the doctor last month, but honestly I was so embarrassed that I had not lost much weight in 6 months I didn't want to go in.  I probably lost maybe 15-20 lbs, but I feel like that wasn't enough to make any difference. 

Having a hard time with everything :(

This isn't just about losing weight tonight. I am feeling really down, that I can't help but cry.  I'm not sure if it's the finances that are effecting me like this or it's just all of my daily struggles combined.  I have also been writing a paper for my english class and it's stirring up some hard feelings from the past.  Today was just a hard day with the kids and thinking about how I'm going to have enough money to feed my family.  It just hurts a lot, to feel like I don't have enough for my children.  It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a mother.  I can't go out to work because it wouldn't even pay me after childcare, so here I am trying to figure out what in the world I can even do.  It's beyond my control, and its time to pray and leave it up to God.   I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.  I just want to make it work so bad, but the money just isn't there.  Andrew's parents have been helping us here and there, but I feel so bad taking from them, even though we really need it.  They are even paying for our kids Christmas,  and I thank God for them.  I'm just hurting tonight in so many ways.   I haven't felt this sad in a long time and I just know I need to sit down and write and cry and let it out.  I pray for a good day tomorrow, with a level head on my shoulders.  I need to be level headed for my kids,  I love them more than anything and I don't want them to always see me like this.

I heard this song today and it touched my heart.



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

Day 64

"God is bigger than every issue you will ever have to face, and you can do whatever you need to do through Christ who strengthens you." -Joyce Meyer Ministries

Day 63: is god trying to speak to me?

Which is worse: the pain of change or the pain of never changing? –Joyce

Make a commitment to not quit, to press on today and every day! You've got to go through to get to the other side.

Two of the saying posted on facebook by Joyce Meyer

 
In the past two days I have felt like God is speaking to me, trying to encourage me to get back into the commitment I made to myself.  I slipped big time.  I haven't counted my points in a week and I have eaten things I am not proud of.  I guess it's time to start over.  Rethink how I'm doing this.   I need to lose this weight.   I need to stop waiting for tomorrow to change.  Right now,  I am changing.  I will do this.  I can't keep slipping.  I need to commit myself to this, yet in the back of my head I am completely doubting myself, and I feel like I could care less, yet that's not completely the truth.  I do care, I really do.  I want to be a size 13, I want to be able to shop wherever I please and love the clothes I wear.  I want to be healthy and be a good example for my kids.  So tonight I pray that the Lord helps guide me through the day and make the right choices to get back on this path.  I need motivation,  I really do.

Day 51: Downright mad at myself

I've slipped big time and can't seem to get myself back up.  I was doing so good for awhile and now...I'm not.  I feel like I can't do this.   I haven't been giving it my all, so I know it's all my fault.  I feel like crying.  I have a friend who started weight watchers 2 or so weeks ago and has lost 10 lbs.  I haven't lost anymore.  Mainly because I have been giving into temptation way more than I should and not tracking things when I munch throughout the day.  I'm sad and I can't stop looking down on myself right now.   I need to get myself back into the swing of things.  I started my week yesterday with sticking to my points for the day and not going over, but today I went out to a buffet and honestly I am angry with myself for saying yes to the idea.  Today I pray for encouragement, because I honestly feel like I can't do this.  

Day 42: back on track...again...

 

As of today I am 242,  I have been working on getting back down to my weight of 241 since I had a bad couple of days...again.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with my weight loss anymore.  I lose some, I gain some back,  I lose some, I gain some back...when will I just keep losing?  I need to keep my focus this time and keep the goal at hand in my sights and stop getting tempted, which means somethings just cannot be in the house at all!  I have to get back into exercising again.  I just can't get myself in the groove especially since Andrew is now working 11-7 all the time AGAIN.  I hate it I feel like I never see my husband and he never sees the kids either.    I'm praying that he can start getting better shifts again.