Day 2: Restart

It's been many months since I have wrote, mainly because I fell off the wagon BIG TIME.  I am getting up dusting myself off and trying really hard to keep myself in this.  It is taking all of me to work past my cravings...although it has only been two days.  I went over my daily limit by about 5 or 6 points each of these days.  I can't help it though.  I ALWAYS feel hungry right now.  I question whether I am truly hungry or its just my mind playing tricks on me.  : /  All I know is I'm keeping at this...I'm tired of being so unhappy with myself.

Starting Over..AGAIN

I want to make an excuse for giving up...but honestly I just gave up on myself.  I felt like I couldn't do it and I still am unsure while writing this.  I'm thinking about how I will probably fail tomorrow.  I won't track myself and I will go back into my same old bad habits.  I see my sister everyday, struggling with her diabetes, shouldn't that be enough to get me off my butt and in gear and make this change.  I was so dedicated before, what happened?  I know I need the Lord for this, I cannot do this without him.  I need to expect more of myself.  I told my husband that I was afraid I would fall back into old habits when I started college and I was right.  Although I am not sure that is the only culprit, I'm sure it was part of the stress that caused me to give up.  On a daily basis, I am overwhelmed with my three children.  I find myself very stressed when they are not listening and are fighting and bickering and when that stress comes knocking at the door I eat and at the end of some really bad days I REALLY eat.  This is the problem...how in the world do I cope with the stress of being a mother, wife and student without food.  I don't know how.  I have ALWAYS turned to food to get through bad times, its just how I cope.   I guess that explains why I am 240 lbs or so right now (I will weight in tomorrow morning to see for sure.)  I'm just down right disgusted with myself right now.  I say I am going to change as of now, but the hard part starts when I wake up tomorrow...will I make the changes I need to.  Will I sustain the promise I am making to myself?  I need this so bad.  I just pray for the motivation to start this, to stick with it and to make it work!   I was supposed to go back to the doctor last month, but honestly I was so embarrassed that I had not lost much weight in 6 months I didn't want to go in.  I probably lost maybe 15-20 lbs, but I feel like that wasn't enough to make any difference. 

Having a hard time with everything :(

This isn't just about losing weight tonight. I am feeling really down, that I can't help but cry.  I'm not sure if it's the finances that are effecting me like this or it's just all of my daily struggles combined.  I have also been writing a paper for my english class and it's stirring up some hard feelings from the past.  Today was just a hard day with the kids and thinking about how I'm going to have enough money to feed my family.  It just hurts a lot, to feel like I don't have enough for my children.  It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a mother.  I can't go out to work because it wouldn't even pay me after childcare, so here I am trying to figure out what in the world I can even do.  It's beyond my control, and its time to pray and leave it up to God.   I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.  I just want to make it work so bad, but the money just isn't there.  Andrew's parents have been helping us here and there, but I feel so bad taking from them, even though we really need it.  They are even paying for our kids Christmas,  and I thank God for them.  I'm just hurting tonight in so many ways.   I haven't felt this sad in a long time and I just know I need to sit down and write and cry and let it out.  I pray for a good day tomorrow, with a level head on my shoulders.  I need to be level headed for my kids,  I love them more than anything and I don't want them to always see me like this.

I heard this song today and it touched my heart.



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

Day 64

"God is bigger than every issue you will ever have to face, and you can do whatever you need to do through Christ who strengthens you." -Joyce Meyer Ministries

Day 63: is god trying to speak to me?

Which is worse: the pain of change or the pain of never changing? –Joyce

Make a commitment to not quit, to press on today and every day! You've got to go through to get to the other side.

Two of the saying posted on facebook by Joyce Meyer

 
In the past two days I have felt like God is speaking to me, trying to encourage me to get back into the commitment I made to myself.  I slipped big time.  I haven't counted my points in a week and I have eaten things I am not proud of.  I guess it's time to start over.  Rethink how I'm doing this.   I need to lose this weight.   I need to stop waiting for tomorrow to change.  Right now,  I am changing.  I will do this.  I can't keep slipping.  I need to commit myself to this, yet in the back of my head I am completely doubting myself, and I feel like I could care less, yet that's not completely the truth.  I do care, I really do.  I want to be a size 13, I want to be able to shop wherever I please and love the clothes I wear.  I want to be healthy and be a good example for my kids.  So tonight I pray that the Lord helps guide me through the day and make the right choices to get back on this path.  I need motivation,  I really do.

Day 51: Downright mad at myself

I've slipped big time and can't seem to get myself back up.  I was doing so good for awhile and now...I'm not.  I feel like I can't do this.   I haven't been giving it my all, so I know it's all my fault.  I feel like crying.  I have a friend who started weight watchers 2 or so weeks ago and has lost 10 lbs.  I haven't lost anymore.  Mainly because I have been giving into temptation way more than I should and not tracking things when I munch throughout the day.  I'm sad and I can't stop looking down on myself right now.   I need to get myself back into the swing of things.  I started my week yesterday with sticking to my points for the day and not going over, but today I went out to a buffet and honestly I am angry with myself for saying yes to the idea.  Today I pray for encouragement, because I honestly feel like I can't do this.  

Day 42: back on track...again...

 

As of today I am 242,  I have been working on getting back down to my weight of 241 since I had a bad couple of days...again.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with my weight loss anymore.  I lose some, I gain some back,  I lose some, I gain some back...when will I just keep losing?  I need to keep my focus this time and keep the goal at hand in my sights and stop getting tempted, which means somethings just cannot be in the house at all!  I have to get back into exercising again.  I just can't get myself in the groove especially since Andrew is now working 11-7 all the time AGAIN.  I hate it I feel like I never see my husband and he never sees the kids either.    I'm praying that he can start getting better shifts again.  

Day 38: Feeling really discouraged

I can see myself giving up,  giving into temptation.  I feel like nothing seems to be coming off even when I'm trying.  I feel like if I slip up even the slightest bit  the weight comes back on,  I can even be following weight watchers to the T and if I use all or even half of my bonus points I gain 2 pounds back.  I'm frustrated.  This effin sucks.  I know at this point  I'm not giving it my all and that's why it's not  working,  I guess I'm in denial but with the gaining weight when I'm still following weight watchers, it's true.  It really makes me angry that Andrew can eat like a freaking pig and not gain a pound yet I am working so damn hard to lose this weight and one tiny slip up and I am back where I was a week ago and I gain back some of the weight I just lost.  Will I always be fat?  Will I always be a failure?  I am really feeling down on myself because of this big slip up because of the day of Blake's birthday party Sunday.  I can't give up this easily,  if I don't change my weight I will have health problems and I've got to be here for my kids.    Today I'm praying for hope, motivation and strength to press on in this journey.  

Day 34: Still pressing on but feeling discouraged

Today's Meal Recap:
Breakfast:  Yogurt- 2p+
Lunch:  Turkey Sandwich 5p+, Honey Mustard Pretzels 3p+
Snacks: Honey Mustard Pretzels(my downfall today) 3p+,  Ice Cream with Hope 5p+
Dinner:  Sweet & Sour Chicken 6p+, Fried Rice 9p+ ( had more than I should have)
Evening Snacks:  Honey Mustard Pretzels 3p+,  some leftovers from dinner 5p+

All in all it was not a great day I was over by about 5 p+.  I didn't exercise today,  I did yesterday though.  I just feel like I'm not moving forward, like I'm not doing enough.   I need that oomph to get me moving just something to feel like what I am doing is worth it.  I want to lose this weight so bad it hurts.  This journey has got me relying on God more.  I know I can't do this without him.  I pray for a better day tomorrow, more willpower and more strength.   I really need to take the time each day for myself to spend 30 minutes exercising and putting my all into it.  I want to give into my laziness and I sadly enough have been...  I need to push forward and get past my pitfalls.  This is truly a roller coaster.  One day I feel wonderful about all of this and other days like today I feel like the weight is never going to come off.   Once again it's the fears that I will fail that are holding me back.  It takes me back to the saying that got me started in all of this "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"  I can't fail.  My kids need me and I need to be healthy because my health is going to get worse if I don't take the steps to fix this. 

Day 33: Just a minor slip up

I think I have just lost focus today.  I have been weighing myself every morning and I think this is tearing me down more than it is helping me.  I feel like I'm not loosing the weight, even with the exercising and following weight watchers.  I just wish I could see the weight coming off to give me hope.  I can't give up.  I can't let myself down again.  Praying for motivation and hope today. 

Day 33: rough night = rough morning run

Okay, the whole idea of running in the morning sounds good in theory, but in reality it absolutely sucks. It may be because I didn't sleep well at all, because of everything that was running through my head. I was thinking about all I have to do today. I was thinking about how I don't know if I made the right decision going back to school when I am making another big life change. I'm worried I'll give up because of stress from school, I have to pass or I have to pay back my financial aid. I'm just worried... So today I have to register my oldest daughter for school, I have to go get my books for college and I have to go get another goldfish for Lexi because the other I just got last night got sucked up into the filter and died in the middle of the night (another reason I didn't sleep good) I am having a rough start to the day and I truly wish I could just go back to bed and make believe I'm not this grouchy and groggy. Ugh I just pray the lord gets me through today with my hair intact.

Do Everything-Steven Curtis Chapman

Day 32: Getting back into the workout groove

I didn't get to post yesterday since I had a friend over and was busy for the rest of the evening.  I did get a small workout in yesterday.  I did some crunches, leg lifts ect. , then got on the exercise bike for 15 minutes.    Tomorrow morning I think I am going to go out and do my run for C25k, I'm hoping to get to bed early enough that I can get out around 8 or 9 so it's nice and cool.   As for my Weight Watchers I am doing wonderful I even had 4 points to spare yesterday. 

Still day 30: Been a fantastic day!

First I want to thank the Lord for the motivation and strength to keep going.  Today I have not only stuck to my points I went running for the first time in about 8 years...yes, 8 years.  I used that new app I found and though it was still a hard first day, I got through it and I felt so good after I was done.  Yes, the embarrassment of running in front of people was still there, but I got past that for myself...it doesn't matter what other people think,  I am working on myself and I am proud of myself and that is all that matters!  This has been one heck of a commitment and I still have my bad days, but I am thankful that my cough is better and I can start really putting all of me into this.   My husband for the first time really told me that he was proud of me after I got back from running.  It really made me feel good.  I am doing this...the one thing I thought I couldn't do because I didn't have enough willpower or strength.  But "With God all things are possible".  I couldn't do this without his strength egging me on.  Thank you LORD!

Day 30: A month in and 10 lbs lighter

Weekly Weigh-in: 241 (8/6/12)
Starting Weight: 251 (7/9/12)
Weight Lost: 10 lbs

I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I am now 241 lbs.  I have hit my first small goal to get the first 10 lbs off.  I am so excited and proud of myself for getting this far and I am praying for the strength to do another amazing month.  I know with the lords strength I will be able to do this.  :)

Day 29: The start of week 5

I am happy to say I am still in the game. I have been on weight watchers for 4 weeks and I am still going strong! I have to get myself into exercising, I have been trying to let this cough get better but it is now time to get off my butt and get into gear, the more I work out the more weight I will lose. Even if I only do 15 minutes that's better than not doing anything at all. I really would like to start walking/running every morning. I just downloaded the couch to 5k app and I think I am going to start with that. I pray I can get over the embarrassment and do this for my health.

The Afters: Lift me up

Day 28: 8 lbs down

I weighed myself today and to my surprise I am 243, yes it is still a big number but slowly it is getting smaller and that makes me smile.  I am 8 lbs lighting than when I started 28 days ago.  & I am still going strong.  Andrew has been telling me I need to help him lose weight and stay on track and what he doesn't understand is it has nothing to do with me and all to do with him.  I can't give him the motivation to stick to eating well.  It took me many times of trying and failing to get myself on the right track.  It's all about positivity and looking at it the right way.  You've got to know that you can do it and stop listening to that voice in the back of your head that tells you your going to fail.  

Day 27: Been doing wonderful!

So I know I haven't written since Monday, but I am doing wonderful.  I have more than stuck to the weight watchers ,  I have made many wise compromises and have stuck to the diet more than every.   I know this is a journey and I will never be done with this...it's a life long change.  I haven't lost any more than the 7lbs...since I gained a couple back I have been working to get those back off and now I'm back where I was.  Yesterday I started taking Raspberry Ketones and L-carntine to help aid in what I am already doing.  I wouldn't have even thought of trying this but I know someone who is using them and saw them on Dr. Oz and they are working for her.  Since I have only taken them 2 times  I can't say if they work for me yet but I can tell you I have tasty burps from the raspberry ketones lol.    Other than the new supplements I am taking  I am starting to get into the habit of thinking about everything I put into my body.  Just yesterday I got a free soda and usually I would drink it without a thought but instead I looked at the nutrition and checked the points before I drank it.  I'm proud of myself for not giving up :)  I pray for more great days like I have had this week!

Day 22

Overall today was good, I stuck to my points all the way.  I didn't use any bonus points at all these last two days.  I did eat a bit too much before bed, but baby steps... Still going to be excited that I'm still on the right track.  tomorrow morning is my weigh in... I know I gained a little because of last week... Even though I stuck to the points for the most part.  I found myself cheating left and right... So I promised myself I would do better this week and count everything.  I once again pray for the lords strength so I can have another good day.  "with God all things are possible."