Having a hard time with everything :(

This isn't just about losing weight tonight. I am feeling really down, that I can't help but cry.  I'm not sure if it's the finances that are effecting me like this or it's just all of my daily struggles combined.  I have also been writing a paper for my english class and it's stirring up some hard feelings from the past.  Today was just a hard day with the kids and thinking about how I'm going to have enough money to feed my family.  It just hurts a lot, to feel like I don't have enough for my children.  It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a mother.  I can't go out to work because it wouldn't even pay me after childcare, so here I am trying to figure out what in the world I can even do.  It's beyond my control, and its time to pray and leave it up to God.   I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.  I just want to make it work so bad, but the money just isn't there.  Andrew's parents have been helping us here and there, but I feel so bad taking from them, even though we really need it.  They are even paying for our kids Christmas,  and I thank God for them.  I'm just hurting tonight in so many ways.   I haven't felt this sad in a long time and I just know I need to sit down and write and cry and let it out.  I pray for a good day tomorrow, with a level head on my shoulders.  I need to be level headed for my kids,  I love them more than anything and I don't want them to always see me like this.

I heard this song today and it touched my heart.



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

Day 64

"God is bigger than every issue you will ever have to face, and you can do whatever you need to do through Christ who strengthens you." -Joyce Meyer Ministries

Day 63: is god trying to speak to me?

Which is worse: the pain of change or the pain of never changing? –Joyce

Make a commitment to not quit, to press on today and every day! You've got to go through to get to the other side.

Two of the saying posted on facebook by Joyce Meyer

 
In the past two days I have felt like God is speaking to me, trying to encourage me to get back into the commitment I made to myself.  I slipped big time.  I haven't counted my points in a week and I have eaten things I am not proud of.  I guess it's time to start over.  Rethink how I'm doing this.   I need to lose this weight.   I need to stop waiting for tomorrow to change.  Right now,  I am changing.  I will do this.  I can't keep slipping.  I need to commit myself to this, yet in the back of my head I am completely doubting myself, and I feel like I could care less, yet that's not completely the truth.  I do care, I really do.  I want to be a size 13, I want to be able to shop wherever I please and love the clothes I wear.  I want to be healthy and be a good example for my kids.  So tonight I pray that the Lord helps guide me through the day and make the right choices to get back on this path.  I need motivation,  I really do.