Starting Over..AGAIN

I want to make an excuse for giving up...but honestly I just gave up on myself.  I felt like I couldn't do it and I still am unsure while writing this.  I'm thinking about how I will probably fail tomorrow.  I won't track myself and I will go back into my same old bad habits.  I see my sister everyday, struggling with her diabetes, shouldn't that be enough to get me off my butt and in gear and make this change.  I was so dedicated before, what happened?  I know I need the Lord for this, I cannot do this without him.  I need to expect more of myself.  I told my husband that I was afraid I would fall back into old habits when I started college and I was right.  Although I am not sure that is the only culprit, I'm sure it was part of the stress that caused me to give up.  On a daily basis, I am overwhelmed with my three children.  I find myself very stressed when they are not listening and are fighting and bickering and when that stress comes knocking at the door I eat and at the end of some really bad days I REALLY eat.  This is the problem...how in the world do I cope with the stress of being a mother, wife and student without food.  I don't know how.  I have ALWAYS turned to food to get through bad times, its just how I cope.   I guess that explains why I am 240 lbs or so right now (I will weight in tomorrow morning to see for sure.)  I'm just down right disgusted with myself right now.  I say I am going to change as of now, but the hard part starts when I wake up tomorrow...will I make the changes I need to.  Will I sustain the promise I am making to myself?  I need this so bad.  I just pray for the motivation to start this, to stick with it and to make it work!   I was supposed to go back to the doctor last month, but honestly I was so embarrassed that I had not lost much weight in 6 months I didn't want to go in.  I probably lost maybe 15-20 lbs, but I feel like that wasn't enough to make any difference. 

Having a hard time with everything :(

This isn't just about losing weight tonight. I am feeling really down, that I can't help but cry.  I'm not sure if it's the finances that are effecting me like this or it's just all of my daily struggles combined.  I have also been writing a paper for my english class and it's stirring up some hard feelings from the past.  Today was just a hard day with the kids and thinking about how I'm going to have enough money to feed my family.  It just hurts a lot, to feel like I don't have enough for my children.  It makes me feel like I don't measure up as a mother.  I can't go out to work because it wouldn't even pay me after childcare, so here I am trying to figure out what in the world I can even do.  It's beyond my control, and its time to pray and leave it up to God.   I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.  I just want to make it work so bad, but the money just isn't there.  Andrew's parents have been helping us here and there, but I feel so bad taking from them, even though we really need it.  They are even paying for our kids Christmas,  and I thank God for them.  I'm just hurting tonight in so many ways.   I haven't felt this sad in a long time and I just know I need to sit down and write and cry and let it out.  I pray for a good day tomorrow, with a level head on my shoulders.  I need to be level headed for my kids,  I love them more than anything and I don't want them to always see me like this.

I heard this song today and it touched my heart.



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

Day 64

"God is bigger than every issue you will ever have to face, and you can do whatever you need to do through Christ who strengthens you." -Joyce Meyer Ministries

Day 63: is god trying to speak to me?

Which is worse: the pain of change or the pain of never changing? –Joyce

Make a commitment to not quit, to press on today and every day! You've got to go through to get to the other side.

Two of the saying posted on facebook by Joyce Meyer

 
In the past two days I have felt like God is speaking to me, trying to encourage me to get back into the commitment I made to myself.  I slipped big time.  I haven't counted my points in a week and I have eaten things I am not proud of.  I guess it's time to start over.  Rethink how I'm doing this.   I need to lose this weight.   I need to stop waiting for tomorrow to change.  Right now,  I am changing.  I will do this.  I can't keep slipping.  I need to commit myself to this, yet in the back of my head I am completely doubting myself, and I feel like I could care less, yet that's not completely the truth.  I do care, I really do.  I want to be a size 13, I want to be able to shop wherever I please and love the clothes I wear.  I want to be healthy and be a good example for my kids.  So tonight I pray that the Lord helps guide me through the day and make the right choices to get back on this path.  I need motivation,  I really do.

Day 51: Downright mad at myself

I've slipped big time and can't seem to get myself back up.  I was doing so good for awhile and now...I'm not.  I feel like I can't do this.   I haven't been giving it my all, so I know it's all my fault.  I feel like crying.  I have a friend who started weight watchers 2 or so weeks ago and has lost 10 lbs.  I haven't lost anymore.  Mainly because I have been giving into temptation way more than I should and not tracking things when I munch throughout the day.  I'm sad and I can't stop looking down on myself right now.   I need to get myself back into the swing of things.  I started my week yesterday with sticking to my points for the day and not going over, but today I went out to a buffet and honestly I am angry with myself for saying yes to the idea.  Today I pray for encouragement, because I honestly feel like I can't do this.  

Day 42: back on track...again...

 

As of today I am 242,  I have been working on getting back down to my weight of 241 since I had a bad couple of days...again.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with my weight loss anymore.  I lose some, I gain some back,  I lose some, I gain some back...when will I just keep losing?  I need to keep my focus this time and keep the goal at hand in my sights and stop getting tempted, which means somethings just cannot be in the house at all!  I have to get back into exercising again.  I just can't get myself in the groove especially since Andrew is now working 11-7 all the time AGAIN.  I hate it I feel like I never see my husband and he never sees the kids either.    I'm praying that he can start getting better shifts again.  

Day 38: Feeling really discouraged

I can see myself giving up,  giving into temptation.  I feel like nothing seems to be coming off even when I'm trying.  I feel like if I slip up even the slightest bit  the weight comes back on,  I can even be following weight watchers to the T and if I use all or even half of my bonus points I gain 2 pounds back.  I'm frustrated.  This effin sucks.  I know at this point  I'm not giving it my all and that's why it's not  working,  I guess I'm in denial but with the gaining weight when I'm still following weight watchers, it's true.  It really makes me angry that Andrew can eat like a freaking pig and not gain a pound yet I am working so damn hard to lose this weight and one tiny slip up and I am back where I was a week ago and I gain back some of the weight I just lost.  Will I always be fat?  Will I always be a failure?  I am really feeling down on myself because of this big slip up because of the day of Blake's birthday party Sunday.  I can't give up this easily,  if I don't change my weight I will have health problems and I've got to be here for my kids.    Today I'm praying for hope, motivation and strength to press on in this journey.  

Day 34: Still pressing on but feeling discouraged

Today's Meal Recap:
Breakfast:  Yogurt- 2p+
Lunch:  Turkey Sandwich 5p+, Honey Mustard Pretzels 3p+
Snacks: Honey Mustard Pretzels(my downfall today) 3p+,  Ice Cream with Hope 5p+
Dinner:  Sweet & Sour Chicken 6p+, Fried Rice 9p+ ( had more than I should have)
Evening Snacks:  Honey Mustard Pretzels 3p+,  some leftovers from dinner 5p+

All in all it was not a great day I was over by about 5 p+.  I didn't exercise today,  I did yesterday though.  I just feel like I'm not moving forward, like I'm not doing enough.   I need that oomph to get me moving just something to feel like what I am doing is worth it.  I want to lose this weight so bad it hurts.  This journey has got me relying on God more.  I know I can't do this without him.  I pray for a better day tomorrow, more willpower and more strength.   I really need to take the time each day for myself to spend 30 minutes exercising and putting my all into it.  I want to give into my laziness and I sadly enough have been...  I need to push forward and get past my pitfalls.  This is truly a roller coaster.  One day I feel wonderful about all of this and other days like today I feel like the weight is never going to come off.   Once again it's the fears that I will fail that are holding me back.  It takes me back to the saying that got me started in all of this "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"  I can't fail.  My kids need me and I need to be healthy because my health is going to get worse if I don't take the steps to fix this. 

Day 33: Just a minor slip up

I think I have just lost focus today.  I have been weighing myself every morning and I think this is tearing me down more than it is helping me.  I feel like I'm not loosing the weight, even with the exercising and following weight watchers.  I just wish I could see the weight coming off to give me hope.  I can't give up.  I can't let myself down again.  Praying for motivation and hope today. 

Day 33: rough night = rough morning run

Okay, the whole idea of running in the morning sounds good in theory, but in reality it absolutely sucks. It may be because I didn't sleep well at all, because of everything that was running through my head. I was thinking about all I have to do today. I was thinking about how I don't know if I made the right decision going back to school when I am making another big life change. I'm worried I'll give up because of stress from school, I have to pass or I have to pay back my financial aid. I'm just worried... So today I have to register my oldest daughter for school, I have to go get my books for college and I have to go get another goldfish for Lexi because the other I just got last night got sucked up into the filter and died in the middle of the night (another reason I didn't sleep good) I am having a rough start to the day and I truly wish I could just go back to bed and make believe I'm not this grouchy and groggy. Ugh I just pray the lord gets me through today with my hair intact.

Do Everything-Steven Curtis Chapman

Day 32: Getting back into the workout groove

I didn't get to post yesterday since I had a friend over and was busy for the rest of the evening.  I did get a small workout in yesterday.  I did some crunches, leg lifts ect. , then got on the exercise bike for 15 minutes.    Tomorrow morning I think I am going to go out and do my run for C25k, I'm hoping to get to bed early enough that I can get out around 8 or 9 so it's nice and cool.   As for my Weight Watchers I am doing wonderful I even had 4 points to spare yesterday. 

Still day 30: Been a fantastic day!

First I want to thank the Lord for the motivation and strength to keep going.  Today I have not only stuck to my points I went running for the first time in about 8 years...yes, 8 years.  I used that new app I found and though it was still a hard first day, I got through it and I felt so good after I was done.  Yes, the embarrassment of running in front of people was still there, but I got past that for myself...it doesn't matter what other people think,  I am working on myself and I am proud of myself and that is all that matters!  This has been one heck of a commitment and I still have my bad days, but I am thankful that my cough is better and I can start really putting all of me into this.   My husband for the first time really told me that he was proud of me after I got back from running.  It really made me feel good.  I am doing this...the one thing I thought I couldn't do because I didn't have enough willpower or strength.  But "With God all things are possible".  I couldn't do this without his strength egging me on.  Thank you LORD!

Day 30: A month in and 10 lbs lighter

Weekly Weigh-in: 241 (8/6/12)
Starting Weight: 251 (7/9/12)
Weight Lost: 10 lbs

I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I am now 241 lbs.  I have hit my first small goal to get the first 10 lbs off.  I am so excited and proud of myself for getting this far and I am praying for the strength to do another amazing month.  I know with the lords strength I will be able to do this.  :)

Day 29: The start of week 5

I am happy to say I am still in the game. I have been on weight watchers for 4 weeks and I am still going strong! I have to get myself into exercising, I have been trying to let this cough get better but it is now time to get off my butt and get into gear, the more I work out the more weight I will lose. Even if I only do 15 minutes that's better than not doing anything at all. I really would like to start walking/running every morning. I just downloaded the couch to 5k app and I think I am going to start with that. I pray I can get over the embarrassment and do this for my health.

The Afters: Lift me up

Day 28: 8 lbs down

I weighed myself today and to my surprise I am 243, yes it is still a big number but slowly it is getting smaller and that makes me smile.  I am 8 lbs lighting than when I started 28 days ago.  & I am still going strong.  Andrew has been telling me I need to help him lose weight and stay on track and what he doesn't understand is it has nothing to do with me and all to do with him.  I can't give him the motivation to stick to eating well.  It took me many times of trying and failing to get myself on the right track.  It's all about positivity and looking at it the right way.  You've got to know that you can do it and stop listening to that voice in the back of your head that tells you your going to fail.  

Day 27: Been doing wonderful!

So I know I haven't written since Monday, but I am doing wonderful.  I have more than stuck to the weight watchers ,  I have made many wise compromises and have stuck to the diet more than every.   I know this is a journey and I will never be done with this...it's a life long change.  I haven't lost any more than the 7lbs...since I gained a couple back I have been working to get those back off and now I'm back where I was.  Yesterday I started taking Raspberry Ketones and L-carntine to help aid in what I am already doing.  I wouldn't have even thought of trying this but I know someone who is using them and saw them on Dr. Oz and they are working for her.  Since I have only taken them 2 times  I can't say if they work for me yet but I can tell you I have tasty burps from the raspberry ketones lol.    Other than the new supplements I am taking  I am starting to get into the habit of thinking about everything I put into my body.  Just yesterday I got a free soda and usually I would drink it without a thought but instead I looked at the nutrition and checked the points before I drank it.  I'm proud of myself for not giving up :)  I pray for more great days like I have had this week!

Day 22

Overall today was good, I stuck to my points all the way.  I didn't use any bonus points at all these last two days.  I did eat a bit too much before bed, but baby steps... Still going to be excited that I'm still on the right track.  tomorrow morning is my weigh in... I know I gained a little because of last week... Even though I stuck to the points for the most part.  I found myself cheating left and right... So I promised myself I would do better this week and count everything.  I once again pray for the lords strength so I can have another good day.  "with God all things are possible."

End of Day 21

It has been an great day...  I have stuck to my daily points which I didn't do any of last week.  I'm proud of myself for doing it today...to not giving into temptation and bingeing all day long.  I even attempted to exercise and I only got 7 minutes in until I started coughing so hard I got sick.  Tomorrow I will definitely be calling the doctor because this cough is truly holding me back from this weight loss.   I just want to give it my all and right now I just can't do that because of whatever I have.  I pray tomorrow goes just as good as today :)

Day 21: The first day of week 4

So happy for a fresh start today...it's like wiping the slate clean from a bad week.  I think I may have even gained a couple pounds back this week even though I didn't go over my points by much.   Maybe it's just water weight ( I can hope right?)  But if not I now know how important it is to watch what I put into my body.  I pray that this week is a good week and I can start getting back into exercising and get things going on the right path again.  I want to one day have an amazing before and after picture to show people.    I just have to keep on the right path and keep moving forward!

Day 20: Can't wait for my WW week to start over

^^ (put together my own set of favorite inspirational
 saying/pictures to put on my desktop background on my computer)



Okay so I have to first admit that this week was BAD,  I had a good many set backs and a few cheats towards the end of the week that I didn't even log since I didn't have enough weekly points, which was my fault.  I gave in to temptation and ate the things I shouldn't have.  I guess next week is about making better choices.  I still haven't gotten back into exercising because I still have a horrid cough that will not leave for anything.  It's to the point that I want to call the Dr. back and see what he thinks I should do at this point because I feel like I can't give this weight loss my all because of this stupid cough. I guess Monday I will call the Dr and talk to him about what I should do and if I should come back to see him because I just cannot take this anymore.  Even though it's been a rough week,  I would like to thank God for still keeping me on this journey and me not giving up completely.  Now I have to say I'm not giving it my all, but I'm still in the game.  Also I would like to pray for strength and willpower for this week.  I am glad that tomorrow is like another fresh start and I pray that I can get myself back into exercising, because I know my body needs to be moving more. 

I have so many things on my mind right now... I am starting college in 3 weeks and I am nervous to be going back into this.  I want to do this but yet again I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I can't do it, that I won't be good enough in anything I do...that I don't have enough self discipline  to do the things I want to do, to accomplish the goals I have set for myself.  Why can't I be one of those positive, always thinking on the bright side kinda people?  I judge myself for all my mistakes and all the times I've given in and did what I wanted rather than what I needed to do and honestly think it will always be like that.  I have to admit that weight loss is a journey and it isn't to be taken lightly because it takes much more than just eating right, it's mental...it's wanting to change...it's not listening to that voice in the back of your head that says your going to fail...What would you attempt if you could not fail??  Seriously would you go to college and get your dream job?  Would you finally get that weight off?  Well I'm going to try and believe that I cannot fail and just keep at this and try harder this week.  I once again pray for strength for this week and that the lord keeps that negative voice at bay. 

Day 19: it's just a set back not a failure

Last night I ended up bingeing and ate 5 crackers with cheese, a glass of chocolate milk and a handful of mini oreos... I'm not proud of myself... But I had a set back.  Today I vowed to myself I would not have a repeat of yesterday, so I woke up and ate a yogurt for breakfast, a Turkey sandwich for lunch and then went and had a lettuce and Turkey wrap with a little light miracle whip(no bread or tortilla to add carbs.) because I was still feeling a bit hungry.  I have not eaten since lunch and I'm feeling okay. I'm a little worried about what I'm fixing for dinner tonight since its pizza, which really takes my points, I may make a salad with my pizza  so I don't eat as many points.  At this point I am definitely struggling with what I want now and what I ultimately want.  I'm almost 3 weeks in and I can feel myself giving into temptation, which I don't want to do.  I don't want to give up on this.

Still Day 17: Someone has to be looking out for me

Today I was out and needed a drink and went into 7-eleven and decided to get a Slurpee and as I was standing there trying to decided which one to get one of the employees recommended a sugar free version... and though this sounds crazy I feel like someone is watching out for me.  I was going to get a full calorie sugar packed slurpee before he came over and he saved me from making that mistake.  I feel so alive right now thinking about all of the great things the future holds for me.  I haven't felt this in control in a very long time.  Thank God for leading me in the right direction :)

Day 17: A little discouraged

Okay so yesterday was not a good day on my weight watchers and though I actually had the urge to not count the Frosty I ate yesterday... I did... a little sad about the outcome because it was 14 points...but on the positive side I counted it!  I'm hoping today I can maybe get myself back in the workout groove even though I am still fighting this cough.  Even if I do a light workout its better than sitting on my butt. 

Honestly right now I am excited about life,  I am changing so many things.  I am starting school in a month and I am about 99% sure I'm going to school to be a teacher.  I am trying to change so many things about myself,  including my laziness.  I know everything I am doing is going to be hard work but I can't wait for the day that I can look back and say wow I did that.   I am capable of doing this  and I know I am.  I am determined to lose this weight and go to college and be the best that I can be.  I think the best thing to do is put these goals in the hands of the lord and let his strength guide me through these changes. 

Day 15: 7lbs down in two weeks...I'll take it :)

 Starting Weight: 251 (7/9/12)
Weekly Weigh-in: 244 (7/23/12)
Weight Lost:  7lbs

Okay so the weigh-in is a day early but I am excited to say that it was just water weight when I weighed myself yesterday morning.  I was feeling very discouraged about my whole weight loss.  It was a nice change this morning to wake up and step on the scale and not wanna cry.  I also went to a meeting at my college to set my schedule.. I am changing myself in so many ways.  I am going back to college, hopefully to become a teacher....if not at least get my associates degree.  I have to say I am proud of myself for making these positive steps in my life.  I am still a little hesitant in my excitement because of all the work both of these things are, but I am just trying to keep my head in the right place and move forward in both goals I have.  :)

Later on:  I went onto the blog I found a few weeks ago that set me on this weight loss journey and she posted a song that made me cry.. I thought I would post it on here.

Day 14: :-/

 
So this morning I weighed myself,  it wasn't time yet and I honestly wish I wouldn't have because I have gained a pound,  yes it's only a pound and may only be water weight, but it really upset me.  Am I not doing this right?  Am I not working hard enough?  I can see myself giving into my cravings,  which is upsetting to me.  I am still counting everything in my WW but I feel like I'm failing.  I have to work harder!   I know I do...I can't expect change to happen if I don't change anything.  I'm ready to relearn how to cook, how to eat and how to think.  I have to lose this weight,  my health depends on it.  My question is does this ever get any easier?  Is it just the start that is this hard or will I always be fighting myself.  This is an addiction and I don't care who wants to tell me otherwise because it's like a constant battle with myself...between what I ultimately want and what I want right this second.  At this moment I am going to put my faith in the Lord and pray that he gives me strength and wisdom to move forward with this.  I can tell already that this is going to be a forever journey.  This isn't just a change to get the weight off this is a lifestyle that I am always going to have to stick to.  I am learning that things aren't always going to be the way you want them to be.  The motivation will dwindle and then I will have to rely on my strength and wisdom to push me forward even when I don't want to. 

Day 13: What would you attempt if you knew you couldn't fail?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?  This quote was what made me stop and think about the way I'm doing things about two weeks ago.  I think the little voice in my head telling me I couldn't do it...that I would always fail... that I would always be the "fat girl".  But I'm starting to realize that it just isn't going to happen if I think like that.  I wake up everyday and just try and start on the right foot with my eating habits.  It's not only that it's mental mostly,  I've got to keep up my motivation and keep telling myself that my desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same.  I'm only two weeks in and I honestly have have some moments of "cheating" on my diet and then I make myself count it into my points even if it takes it out of my weekly bonus points.  I'm trying, that's all I can say right now...I hope it's working and even if it is coming off slowly I hope I'm moving in the right direction.

Today I got myself back into exercising.  I did my biggest loser boxing for 20 minutes.  Yesterday I tried to do the exercise bike but my cough got the best of me just 5 minutes in.  I can't say its the most monumental thing to have only done 20 minutes, but I am having a hard time finding time when I can do it..and I'm just not ready to go out running yet.  It's sad that embarrassment is holding me back from my goals. :( 

Day 12: I'm starting to feel the weight coming off

So  I skipped a day of posting just because I was very busy yesterday with errands.  I haven't exercised in two day because I was trying to let myself get over this bronchitis,  I am starting to get better but still have one heck of a cough, but today I am going to make myself do a small workout of the Biggest Loser Challenge on the Wii.  Even if it's only 10-20 minutes in my opinion its better than nothing.

Yesterday when I put on my pants I could feel they were looser and the even sagged a bit in the crotch and butt.  I can now pull my pants out a few inches from my body and they used to be so tight I couldn't stand it.  I've even now gotten my hubby on the Weight Watchers wagon with the app I am using  (WW Diary on Andriod).  I think that there is no reason to pay for WW if I can do it for free.  I have kept on track with my points, even though I ate what I called a Devil muffin yesterday...  I didn't notice that the serving size was 1/2 muffin so what I thought was 6 points for one muffin was 12 points.  It tasted yummy, but it was not worth it.  I am now starting to become very aware of what I put in my body, I think this is all part of the learning experience.  I realize that this is a lifestyle and I will never truly be able to go back to my old ways because I will end up right back where I started.  I'm having a hard time with cravings at night.   But I just keep trying to remember that this will be worth it in the end.  I would much rather lose this weight than get to eat anything I want and stay where I am at.  The quote at the top is really what it's all about. 

Day 10: So tired of this bronchitis!

Yesterday I ran into someone from my past and it stirred up some emotions in me and I ended up turning to food.  I still logged it and put it under my bonus points for the week and I didn't overeat like I wanted to. I am really having a hard time with this and I have to say these kids are not helping.  I feel like I can't do anything for me.  Here in about a month I will be adding college to this juggling act.  I'm worried I won't be able to do it all. 

I have decided today I am going to skip out on my usual workout today to give my body a chance to get over this bronchitis.  I feel bad about it but my cough is getting horrendous and I don't think the exercising is helping.  I just started taking my anti-biotics yesterday, but hopefully  tomorrow I will be able to start back up without hacking my lung up.  I am going to continue tracking my eating with WW until I am able to get my cough under control.  I just pray I can go back into the working out after taking a break.  : /

Still Day 9: Not on my A game today

Okay as you could see from my post earlier I am feeling a bit frustrated today.  I am fighting bronchitis and I'm having a hard time sticking to my exercise plan.  I just finished dinner and I'm feeling a bit guilty for how many points it was on my weight watchers.  I fixed what my hubby wanted tonight which let me tell you was not healthy.  I also had a poptart and a glass of milk for a snack rather than my usual fruit.  Okay so today I took advantage of my bonus points on WW.  Thank god for them, because if not I would be over on my daily amount.   I am going to wake up tomorrow and do better though.   I just have to keep telling myself  I can't start all over again so I have to keep at it.  Even through slip ups I have to just remember mistakes are okay, it's when you give up that its not okay.   I have not given up.  I think back to my dream I had about 3 days ago where I put on a button up shirt of my mothers and it fit me and even overlapped a little bit.  I want to be that women.  So tomorrow is another day and I will stick with this even through my bronchitis.

Day 9: Trying to keep my head up

Although I didn't post yesterday I still stuck with my plan. We even ordered pizza last night and I stayed within budget with my Weight Watchers.  I even went out of the house to workout yesterday since I couldn't  do my normal session on Biggest Loser Challenge on the Wii.  I worked out for about an hour and a half with a 20 min break in the middle.  I did a brisk walk down to my mothers to pick up the bike and rode the bike for about 20 minutes and briskly walked back home.  

As for today I have been doing pretty well,  I'm a little frustrated with this damn cough I have from my bronchitis,  but again today I am going to make myself work out even though the thought upsets me.  I can't start over again, that's what I keep telling myself.  I'm having such a hard time doing this with my three kids,  and it just makes me angry when I think about the fact that I do everything for them and yet they won't let me have some me time so I can do this for me.  As I'm typing this Hope is having a massive fit about everything under the sun and the mere thought of trying to work out through that gives me the anger in the pit of my stomach,  I just wish they would cooperate a little better because this is hard enough without them giving me a hard time too.

Well I guess it's time to get to exercising, I hope and pray the cough doesn't get the best of me.

Day 7: Trying to keep up the motivation.

 Exercise:  Biggest Loser Challenge Boxing (20min)
Weight Lost: 4lbs
Weekly Weigh-in:  247 lbs

Okay 7 days in and even though my muscles hurt, I just completed my daily exercise. I did the boxing on Biggest Losers Challenge on light exercise for 20 minutes.  It was enough to get my heart rate up and get me sweating.  Andrew told me today that after i lose the first 10 lbs I get to get a good pair of running shoes and maybe then I can start running.  I'm praying I can get over the embarrassment and go out and just do it every morning.  I'm thinking in my head all the reason I won't be able to do it, mainly just the fact of people seeing me...why is this such an issue,  I'm making an effort to change...shouldn't that be a good thing?...but all I think about is my fat flapping up and down while I jog.  I have lost about 4 lbs already,  no celebrating yet... at 10 lbs I will celebrate.  10 lbs at a time, I will celebrate losing this fat from my body and becoming a healthier me.  If I lose 100lbs, Andrew told me he will get me a diamond ring.  :)  My goal is a little lower than that though I want to lose 1/3 of my body weight...and strangely enough I came up with that total from a dream I had the other night about going to a doctor and that is the amount he said I needed to lose to be out of danger for health complications.  So 167 is my ultimate goal, but right now my main goal is to keep at it and give it my all. 

Day 6: Sticking to it!

I just got done with my daily exercised ... I did two challenges on the biggest loser game today.  I woke up this morning with all of my muscles in my butt down to my knee hurting.  I did a lot of squats yesterday and let me tell you I am feeling it today, but I still went forward with keeping a plan and sticking to it.  I'm feeling very frustrated with Hope because I am just trying to do something for myself and I can't even do it because she keeps telling me she wants to dance and everything.  It almost makes me want to give up, but I can't start over again.  I have to do this for my health, which is very important to me.  My children are just another obstacle that I have to overcome.  I've thought about going jogging every morning but I'm embarrassed by the way I look right now to even attempt running in front of people. 

Day 5: So tired of starting over!

I am here fed up with myself and the fact that I can't seem to change, but today I am.  This is a promise to myself.  I have to do this for me...change is not going to happen if I don't work for it.  It will be worth it!  I would say today is like Day 5 of actually sticking to my weight watchers.  I came across a weight loss blog about a week ago and I felt like God had sent me to her...because soon after praying about this hard addiction to food I found her through pinterest, coincidence I think not.  She gave me inspiration and hope that I could do it.  So here I am starting over for the LAST time!  Today I got out the Biggest Loser Wii game and made myself do two challenges and although I felt like my legs could barely hold me by the time I was done I was proud that I made the first step.    One day at a time...I can do this and I will.